Top 10 Best Moments from Game of Thrones Series 4

Season 4 is over and y'all have 10 months to wait for the next portion of Game of Thrones. Normally very bleak and often very frustrating, nonetheless this season was packed with suprises, character development and some truly delicious moments. Here is my countdown of the top 10. 

10. Pod, Brienne and a little bit of Hot Pie. (not a porno (yet))

Game of Thrones is famous for its quirky double acts (Tyrion and Bronn, Jaime and Brienne, Arya and the Hound) and the combo of Brienne of Tarth and Podrick Payne was such fun. I think I speak for everyone when I say that adorable scene with Hot Pie explaining about the gravy and bequeathing Brienne with a direwolf-shaped biscuit was a little bubble of happiness in the otherwise miserable world of Westeros. 

9. daario kills the champ 

I don't like Daario - and let us not mention Daenerys after a season of the worst decision making of all time - but you have to admit, Minister, he's got style. 

8. The hound loves chicken.

A moment of silence for our (presumably) fallen brother, Sandor Clegane. Besides giving us some swell quotes - "what the fuck's a Lommy?"; "Lots of people name their swords", "lots of c*nts" - the character really sparkled when he got a whiff of cooked chicken. That hanger (hungry anger) right there.






7. Valar Morghulis

Arya is my gurl. Her and needle are going on a little adventure to Braavos and I cannae bloody wait. She's so going to return with an army of waterdancing Syrios and win everything. 



6. Stannis becomes useful. 



(this amazing gif is from shitroulette on Tumblr)

Lezbehonest, Stannis so far has been a mopey piece of dull sandwich. I'm just talking from a  show perspective, here, I know the Mannis has a lot of bookreading fans. Apart from getting Melisandre to put leeches on people's penises and getting Melisandre to bear murderous shadow creatures from her vaj, Stan has done nowt but look like a surly teenager at a family gathering the whole time. FINALLY, though - it only took four series' - Stannis rocks up at the wall to lend a hand to the real fight of Westeros. 

I would also like to lump episode 9 'The Watchers on the Wall' into this moment. Wasn't that just awesome? Giants. On Mammoths. 

5. The demise of poor Joff. 

DON'T LIE. You loved to hate Joffrey I AM THE KING Lannister *ahem* Barathean. He was such a fantastic bad guy, the epitome of a spoilt brat. "The things he did shocked me. Do you think I'm easily shocked?" said mother Cersei. No Cersei, no we do not. 

He went down in style, though, showing us all what a fabulous little asshole he was. 



That swagger. 

4. Oberyn will be your hero, baby. 

There will forever be a hole in my heart for the sexy Prince of Dorne. I don't really want to talk about this much because I've got a bit of a headache from recent events (sorry) but, that moment when he says "I will be your champion". :')



3. Tywin has an unconventional father's day.

The demise of the Lannister patriarch in Episode 10 was juicy asf. After hearing straight up from his daughter that she had been having kids with her own brother (although come on, he definitely already knew), Poor old Tyty gets murdered by his other son on the shitter. Farewell, Charles Dance, you were the shit. 




2. Littlefinger shows Lysa where to go. 

Probably the most satisfying death of the series, this scene is just perfect. The way he dispassionately just saunters right up to old lactating Lysa, says to her "I've only loved one woman my whole life...your sister". BURN. Just such unabashed Littlefingerness. The internet plummeted into a moondoor of hilarity with that unfortunate lady. RIP Lysa, you weirdo.  

1. Tyrion's speech

I swear after watching Tyrion's trial speech every single person was like .....WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. He just lost it. And it was bloody marvelous. "I've been on trial my whole life!". You go, Tyrion!  YOU CAN BE MY LION <3

So, do you agree with my list? Comment below what you would put on there. 

Avril's Hello Kitty is as Bad as Marrying That Guy from Nickleback

Avril Lavigne’s new music video for the song ‘Hello Kitty’ has been branded racist, but if you ask me that’s not the only way it’s offensive.

not sure if this is the Exorcist or what

The video showcases Lavigne frolicking around, pointing at the camera aggressively, and pretending to play guitar. Already, what’s to like here? Just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, there are allegations that it uses its Japanese girls and theme to perpetuate cultural stereotypes.

Said Japanese girls consist of Avril’s four backing dancers, all dressed the same, with the same wigs, who at one point Avril, with great hilarity, takes a photo of as though they’re her imaginary friends. They have the same expression; she’s thrilled; they are indifferent. The independent has described the dancers as “four props” who are “robotic, expressionless, and made up to look completely interchangeable”. You can’t really argue with that summary.

But I do take issue with the use of the word prop. Since when have backing dancers ever had back stories or deep, nuanced personalities? Normally, they tend to be homogeneous just so the singer stands out, kind of like bridesmaids.

This controversy echoes the reaction to another recent music video, Lily Allen’s Hard Out There, which featured black backing dancers. Similarly, these dancers were argued to be used as “props” for the white lead singer. Here, Allen is clearly satirizing average music videos - “if you can’t detect the sarcasm then you've misunderstood” she sings. I’m not sure Avril, or whoever was in charge of her car-crash video, had considered any layer of meaning beyond I’M EATING SUSHI AND DRESSED LIKE A CUPCAKE. 

Besides the girls, the stereotyping of Japanese culture - the Hello Kitty, bright colours, sushi etc. – is perhaps problematic.   But, it has to be said, cultural appropriation in the music industry isn’t just limited to Avril’s Hello Kitty and Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku girls. Remember Jai Ho? When Pussycat Dolls thought it would be fun to wear bindis and dance all Bollywood. Was that racist or just stereotyping? Or perhaps it’s ‘celebrating’ the culture, as they would probably call it. A euphemism for commodification? Perhaps. Is Katy Perry’s Black Horse video, along with allegedly being islamophobic, dissing Egyptians? WHERE IS THE LINE DRAWN?

I personally would draw the line at Lady Gaga’s #burqaswag, which encouraged her fans to don a hijab, essentially trivialising such a contentious issue. What I would really like to see is how other cultures would stereotype America. Would the dancers be obese, wearing McDonalds uniforms?

But anyway, Avril’s response was as immature as you’d expect “RACIST??? LOLOLOL!!!” the 29-year-old brayed, “I love Japanese culture”. Thanks Avril, that’s settled then. The video’s not intentionally racist, it’s just really stupid. But anyone expecting something intelligent to go alongside a song with the lyrics “major rager OMFG” needs to be tortured with Clockwork Orange therapy of watching that video on loop.

It is up in the air whether Lavigne’s video was racist, but it is 100% certain that it is bad. 

This article is also featured in InQuire

Subway Sensationalism and other Islamophobia

BIG SHOUTY HEADLINE. SUBWAY HAS REMOVED PORK FROM 185 BRANCHES. THEY ALSO ARE NOW ONLY SERVING HALAL IN THESE BRANCHES. EVERYONE FREAK OUT!

The proposed end of the world is upon us, Muslims have finally taken Subway. Well, actually, 185 out of their approximately 1500 UK stores sell all-halal meat (that's around 12%) and have replaced pork products, such as bacon rashers, with turkey substitutes. 

If you don't know what halal meat is, (click here for a better explanation/more details) it is the Islamic process of slaughtering meat by draining the blood entirely from the animal. The animal must not be harmed prior to slaughter (so, that rules KFC out), and must be killed quickly. It is also turned to face Mecca and the name of Allah or a prayer is spoken in order to thank God for the meat. For those with limited imagination, it's probably where James Cameron got the inspiration from for the grateful slaughter scene in Avatar. 

Anyway, here is how the likes of the Daily Mail and the ever-ridiculous Britain First has sensationalised this practice and are using it to create hatred towards Islamic customs. The Daily Mail wrote 

"Traditionally in halal abattoirs the throats of the animals are cut while they are fully conscious - an act many campaigners say is inhumane and needlessly cruel."

Although said campaigners have mysteriously* (*conveniently) not been named, I would also like to question the apparent "inhumanity" here. Firstly, there is no evidence that halal slaughter is more painful than conventional slaughter (please do read Mehdi Hasan's thoughts on this, here). The halal-slaughtered animal "quickly loses consciousness" from having its throat slit, whereas in other slaughter it is essential that it is rendered unconscious with a shock before death. Now, I'm not here to debate whether being electrocuted or cut is a more painful way to go - the fact is it is slaughter and it can never be nice. Moreover, the Subway meat is going to be stunned prior to halal slaughter, so why are you whining, exactly?

What I'm concerned with is that these so-called animal rights defenders don't seem to care that barn-laid chickens have their beaks removed at birth, for instance, or that in battery farms they have absolutely no room to flap their wings, and can barely do that because they're bred to be top-heavy and are generally disabled. I don't see anyone crying over the conveyor-belt slaughter process which 'conventional' slaughter thinks is fine, or the animal cruelty battery animals in particular face. I apologise for ranting, but if you're so bloody worried about animal rights become a vegetarian. Animals are consumed on a systematic basis and that is a fact.


But, I don't see the DM, or any of these people who allegedly care about the poor halal-slaughtered animals, giving a shit about any of this. That's because compassion for animals in this scenario is just a facade for Islamophobia. We can witnessa similar sort of proud nationalism and Muslim-smearing in campaigns like this banned BNP video, which dehumanises Muslims to an un-precendented and frankly disgusting level:

(If you want to get through the video, probs best to turn the sound off, that child singing haunts my nightmares.)

But it's not just nutters like the BNP who are hating on Muslims. 'Respected' Atheist Richard Dawkins (@RichardDawkins) has been waving the flag for ages, what with his previous scoff at the numbers who have been to Oxbridge, he recently (5th May '14) retweeted a really informative post. I was unable to embed said tweet, but here's the picture. 




I suppose this represents the entirety of Muslims in Science presently? Great that you have used such an unbiased, logical, professional argument there. It looks like it's been put together on photoshop by me, for god's sake - only I wouldn't be seen dead using Comic Sans. But, I digress. 

To me, halal meat tastes no different to any other meat, so I cannot comprehend the outrage of people who object to its use in supermarkets, Pizza Express or Subway. And, as for the dreaded loss of pork, why not go to the other 1,315 stores which still sell it. But, I understand for the likes of Britain First, the BNP, UKIP and the Daily Mail, it is the principle. "They come over here, they eat what we eat!" amiright? Well, tell that to the 33,000 or so other *American* Subways in countries all over the world. 



Get more deets from Subway right here.

Why YOU Should Vote UKIP

I'm sick, tired and frankly bored of all the UKIP hate floating around the internet and other media outlets nowadays. THEY'RE JUST SAYING WHAT EVERYONE'S THINKING, GUYS. I've decided to compile a list of all the reasons one should vote UKIP (if you're not an immigrant or a benefits scrounger - we don't want your dirty votes!)

26 GAZILLION people want YOUR job

You know the drill: they come over here, taking all our jobs! High unemployment is happening because of The Foreigners (not the cuts or the international financial crisis), don't you know. Yes, the rumours are true. THE FLOODGATES ARE OPEN and Britain is literally going to fill up of WAVES of people wanting your job, using your NHS and creating crime EVERYWHERE. They will not contribute to the economy in any way, by paying tax, becoming doctors, teachers, police etc. They will probably kill your children. (P.S. Nigel Farage's German wife is exempt from this, he bagsied her) 

Leader Nigel Farage is just like Any Other Politician

Not to be mistaken for Toad from Toad Hall, Nige went to a private school just like David Cameron. So that shows he really is capable of running the country, and sympathise with the lesser-privileged, just like David Cameron has been. Farage has even tried to outdo the tories with his expenses, having claimed £2m of taxpayers' money on top of his usual salary. This attribute is not to be mistaken for in any way being similar to people cheating the benefit system, as politicians are above the law. Even better, he's an ex-Wall Street banker. Cool! 

UKIP are committed to spending more on military - just what we need. 

Ever thought to yourself 'there aren't enough warships in the world'? Or, better yet, 'what the devil happened to the good ol' glory days of the British Empire? Rule Britannia!' Well, UKIP are right up your street, my patriotic friend. All that money we save spending on trade and all that sort of tosh in Europe will be better spent on Her Majesty's fleet. 

This poor actor had to sit down with a cup for a photograph, all thanks to EUROPE, the bastards.

UKIP don't give a shit about climate change

FINALLY someone who doesn't want to save the planet with pesky renewable energy like wind turbines.

They are the more socially acceptable version of the BNP!

If you've ever just sat there and thought 'I'd really like to announce my affinity with the BNP or the National Front, but they're not very cool nowadays' well - problem solved! All those ethnic minorities truly should be sent back to 'Bongo Bongo Land' or the 'Black Country'. Because all black, Asian and other groups come from one of these places, and they're all ruining everything. But, UKIP aren't racist, (they're xenophobic - duh) so you won't be saddled with that inconvenient label. 

They really do hate gay people

I know what you're thinking, I can't believe this government let gay people get married! I've had it up to my neck with all this political correctness - what about the church's feelings? And gay marriage really was to blame for the floods.

Finally...Fear is the best way to make policies

As the UKIP website says (27/04/14) "These are anxious and troubled times". There is historically no better way to garner voters for a small party than by scapegoating minorities in a time of crisis. Remember the National Socialist Party (Nazi for short) in the '30s? They had the same idea. That turned out alright, didn't it? 

Noah: A Provocative Experience That Will Probably Annoy You

"I don't think it's a religious story. I think it's more of a mythical story that belongs to everyone" said co-screenwriter and director Darren Aronofsky on the eccentric, rambunctious blockbuster Noah. This disclaimer makes room for the audacious artistic license demonstrated throughout the film - from giant stone angels to Ray Winstone's heretical antagonist hitching a lift on the iconic ark like a bewildered head louse.

Biblical stories are by definition monumental, and often strangely dark. This is perhaps what drew acclaimed director Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan) to such a project.  But, when watching, it is important to try and ignore the religious backstory, impossible as this may be. Noah is a fantasy as ambitious perhaps as any societal fable, which draws its roots in the bible but only for inspiration. Its main goal, the director and cast maintain, is to entertain.



And entertain it does. Epic battles, surreal dream sequences and miraculous Terrence Malickian montages contribute to this film's soaring beauty and atmosphere.

And yet I am  ambivalent about Noah. As with previous Aronofsky work, it makes for an epic and visceral experience. It's a blockbuster in its scale and its price tag, but there's little family friendly here. From the traumatic, hellish vision of human sin - with its brute squalor and wrenching of live animals limb from limb - to the consequent portrayal of the final victims of the flood, howling as they cling to a wave-lashed mountaintop, the film is implicitly disturbing.

As we can witness in The Fountain, Aronofsky flits between profound despair and spiritual enlightenment. Among sublime damnation is sublime salvation. A particularly poignant sequence occurs during the battle for the ark, where the stone giants (or fallen angels) battle the hoards of humans who want in on the whole not drowning gig. When the stone giants are killed, a golden light, their soul, sours to heaven with a booming explosion. In one shot, we see this and the camera cuts to its journey out of space, into complete silence. This is one of the rare moments in Aronofsky's work which is truly astounding and awesome to the word's true meaning.



However, the film also has its failings. The character of Noah himself is a complete bellend. His first offence is to sing in the opening twenty minutes, reminding the unfortunate of actor Russell Crowe's stint in Les Miserables. Moreover, without wanting to give much away, the biblical patriarch struggles to interpret his divine duties, and ends up an alcoholic sociopath. Though his invention of drinking may be appalling to religious groups, it is one of the rare parts of the film which is based in biblical text. Noah did get absolutely swashbuckled, and wouldn't you if you had survived- and taken part in - the death of the majority of humanity?

The supporting female cast, however, carry Crowe's unlikeable character. Jennifer Connelly (who also stars in Aronofsky's breakout Requiem for a Dream) brings empathy and raw, ugly emotion to her performance as Noah's wife Naameh, who is in fact unnamed in the bible (no comment). Meanwhile Emma Watson - and I'm conscious of churning out the predictable 'she's really matured since Hermione' - was honestly truly striking as adopted daughter Ila.This performance grounds the film.




While I'm discussing the cast, despite all the mythical elements of the film,it was evidently considered too far-fetched to include any sort of racial diversity amongst them. I guess the question as to 'where did other ethnicities appear from?' goes as unanswered as 'how did the human race continue from one family (without a lot of incest)?' Oh, sorry Ari Handel (co-screenwriter) we're thinking on a 'mythical plane'.

To an extent, Noah questions the wrathful, tyrannical and arguably unjust God of the Old Testament. What kind of a God finds it acceptable to put the death of children in someone's hands to test their faith (the story of Abraham springs to mind)? What sort of a God Creates but does not guide its Creation, and allows suffering? Especially if you consider that the story of Cain and Abel - which is referred to as a kind of prologue to the film, and permeates it henceforth - the fratricide which the omnipresent God foresaw and did nothing to prevent. These sort of questions are raised by Ray Winston's descendant of Cain, but he is the resident bad guy of the story so we assume he is wrong. The swarming masses are evil devils, aren't they? Is it not easier for us to dehumanise the masses than to realise the colossal genocide here?

Noah seems to resonate with the contemporary concern of Climate Change. The earth turning on us due to our own sins is a transparent allegory for such present day anxieties. If you've seen 2012 (and if you haven't - don't) the boat in that is a more literal manifestation of the ark in modern day.  As an audience, we like to think of ourselves as the divine elite of Noah's family - they are the sympathetic everyman (but not because they're whitewashed, Ari).But what if we're the sinners? Noah attempts to raise this question when the eponymous character decides all of humanity would be better off dead. But 'attempts' is the key word here: where Aronofsky often triumphs in a perfect, insular story focusing on one idea, in Noah the task seems too big, too blockbuster, to be satisfying.




If you watch Noah, you can call it ridiculous, sublime, offensive, but - you cannot deny - it is provocative.

No one knows what it means! But it's provocative, it gets the people goooooing

No Makeup Selfies: Stop Being Ass Hats

Originally I was tentative about posting a picture of myself barefaced and claiming it was for cancer awareness. Like that weird KONY thing (which I have seen people draw comparisons to) I thought it was something that would pass, and was confused about the motivation behind it. I didn't want to just do it because everybody else was.

What changed my mind was the simple fact that the campaign made £1million overnight. How could anyone now deny its usefulness or criticise the #nomakeupselfie? 

If you know anything about charities you will know that awareness is a major part in making money. If people know about something, they are more likely to know to donate (obviously). That's why advertising in general is a thing: it makes money. 

All obvious so far, but you'd be surprised how many people don't get this. 

I find the same sort of people who criticise charities for spending money on adverts, and not specifically that which they are trying to raise money for, are those who are criticising the no makeup trend. 

What they don't realise is that awareness is so, so vital to charities. 

For those who say 'well why not just donate, why do you have to proclaim it to the world?' I say: well I'm glad you're so altruistic, but not everyone is. Amazing if you already do donate, but look how many people have been peer-pressured into donating and being a source of advertisement for cancer charities, who may not have otherwise. 

Another niggle for 'haters' was the fact that people were using the guise of cancer awareness as an excuse to fulfill their own narcissim. This is why it is important to mention the reasoning behind the lack of makeup in your pictures, people. The selfies of women looking glorious without makeup (perpetuated by a fair amount of celebrities) perhaps reinforced this viewpoint. Of course you don't want a hideous picture of yourself out in the world, but looking flawless - in dimmed lighting with perhaps just a smidgen of concealer - isn't helping to dispel that irritating ideology that makeup is unnatural and women are tricksters for wearing it. I like to think this is why I didn't want to look so amazing in my own pic...

Furthermore critics are questioning the 'bravery' it takes for women to upload pictures of themselves without makeup. I'm going to go out a limb and proclaim that it is frankly chivalric - it's certainly cool for once to be bombarded with images of women who aren't looking 'perfect'. 

Let's remember that those going through chemotherapy do not look their best. 

The no make up selfie has raised a middle finger to critics anyway. The campaign has now garnered over £2million and I am very proud to be a part of it. 

Text BEAT to 70099 to donate.

Had to wrangle Beyonce in some way, sorry

Film Review: Shame

Released in 2011, Shame is the second feature film directed and co-written by Steve McQueen. It stars Michael Fassbender as sex addict Brandon, and Carey Mulligan as his sister, Sissy. As you may predict the plot centres around Brandon's secretive and lonely existence in New York city, which is disrupted indefinately when his sister comes to stay. 

As blunt as its title, Shame is a film about the simultaneous complexities and primalities of human emotion. From its opening sequences we are confronted with nude shots of Fassbender, we share his most intimate moments, from masturbating to urinating. Brandon suffers silently from an overwhelming lust, which seems to derive from an intrinsic sense of emptiness in his life. I have never witnessed a film which can possess such a dichotomy of the (mutually dependent) graphic and subtle. Yes it's very base, it's very visceral - there is, predictably, a lot of crude sex - but this is told with such style that you can see there's a deep sadness in Brandon's past and present.

An omnipresent theme in postmodern American art, the disappointing nature of the American Dream is alluded to, with Carey Mulligan’s melancholy rendition of ‘New York, New York’. This scene was apparently shot with three cameras in real time and in one take, with Fassbender never having heard Mulligan sing, his reaction being completely authentic. The camera hovers on Sissy for an uncomfortable time span, forcing us to watch her in many ways pathetic state as she gazes to an off-screen presence and laments slowly, poignantly and painfully. It then mirrors this stare at Brandon, and through such matched juxtaposition we see that they are the same, brutally unhappy parts of one whole.

The reason for the siblings’ unhappiness is never revealed in the film, instead we are given random mismatched pieces of their past in the form as subtle as Sissy flinching when a man moves towards her wrist, to Brandon’s unexplained scarring on his back. We don’t need to be told explicitly what mutual horror they faced in their childhood – it is manifested in what they do, how they appear and perform, as well as through the beautiful cinematography throughout. 

Something that caught my attention stylistically throughout the film was the use of a blue colour palette whenever Fassbender’s character is alone in shot, and he is isolated as such frequently. Blue here contrasts with the vapid gold and yellows of the city, casting Brandon as cold, lifeless, alone. It encapsulates that bitterly ironic feeling of being alone amongst masses.  

Moreover, more indie elements of Shame include McQueen's use of long takes. It really unsettles the edit-trained viewer (including myself) for a shot to last longer than normal, or worse, for a shot to continue to frame someone's face when they are listening to the other person talking. McQueen uses whole scenes made of one shot. The most impressive is when Brandon goes out for a run and a tracking shot films a couple of minutes of him just running, clearly frustrated, until he leaves the shot at a crossroads and we (the camera) do not follow him. This is irritating for us, the viewer as we are so spoilt in cinema at having multiple, privileged viewpoints of the action. The director removes this privilege and tells us that no, you are just a voyeur, you can't have everything you want, this is the film as I want you to see it. It's refreshing.  

As with many indie films also, you're left thinking 'well, what was all that about?'. Shame is bleak, graphic and grotesque often, and its ending is so open. Once again destroying conformities: we do not get a satisfying narrative ark; I'm not convinced the characters develop throughout the film apart from becoming more angry and twisted. There is no sympathetic character, and there is no resolution (sorry if that's a spoiler). And yet, I felt moved.